Out of chaos...order?

This has been another tumultuous year for me and my family. I've been getting better about my grief and all it entails. It's like a not so great best friend that will be with me until it's my turn to cross over. I can live with that because Pastor Paul spoke about Joy in his sermon today. Not joy, like you're really happy about something, but the dig down deep, capital J kind of Joy that runs deep through us like a river. You see, it turns out that I never lost that Joy. Kinda like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz when she discovers those ruby slippers could take her back to Kansas whenever she wanted them too. But she had to go through all the trials in Oz before she could gain the knowledge. Mind you, she didn't have to earn the right to go back, but when she was ready she was able to discover something she had had all along that would help her on her journey back home. I had been so lost and afraid after losing so many dear and precious people to me. I really worried that I would ever feel true Joy again. How could I possibly feel joy when my little boy was ashes in the ground, never to be seen on Earth again? I will weep for him for the rest of my life, and yet hope whispers it's way in and I hear the Spirit speaking to me through Pastor Paul about that capitalized Joy that runs deep in your soul. The Joy that comes from knowing how very, very much God loves me, and that God is taking care of me, and will cradle me in His arms until my Joy bursts forth for everyone to see and experience. This Joy that awakened inside of me at Time Out For Women, a religious retreat that seeks to nourish and inspire the souls of women who are walking on their journeys through this broken world. I know God doesn't want us to hurt. I know he doesn't want us to suffer all the pain and heartbreak this world dishes out to us. I am certain that just like I worry about my children and want them to be successful people, God worries about me, and wants me to be the best version of the woman He created me to be.  But just like I can't make my child get his chores or homework done, and I certainly can't do it for him, God chooses not to interfere in some things, because I trust that He knows what is best for me.  If I don't make mistakes, how could I possibly grow into the person I am today?  I don't believe that God caused the accident that took Andrew away from us. It was simply an accident. I have chosen to find that deep Joy that knows my Saviour loves me no matter what. Some days it is harder to find than other days, but it keeps me striving to be the best woman I can be with the gifts and talents I was given to create love and beauty in the world.

What started all this is my introspection over this weekend. Wanting to re-connect with my saviour again. I awoke rather groggy at 5:00 am this morning.  A familiar phrase was in my mind in the moments before sleep and being awake. The common phrase says, "All things are possible with God."  In my groggy state I switched the words around, but it was a message to me I think. I thought "God is possible in all things."  The more I thought about that sentence, the more intrigued I became. In other words, God is possible to be there when you are angry at your husband, or missing your son so much it physically hurts, or when you are teaching a difficult child the letter "m" or when you are just folding the laundry watching some silly reality show on television. God is possible in every situation, of every moment of every day. All we have to do is invite Him in through prayer.

I think that the experiences of this weekend have taught me to reach out and hold on to my Joy at knowing my Saviour. And I need to know him even better in the moments, hours and days and even years of my life to come. I will be able to weather life's storms and the injuries that come from the storms, knowing that I am sheltering with God and Jesus.

Amen