I just finished reading To Heaven and Back by Mary C. Neal, MD. Actually I started reading it last night at about 9 pm and finished it this morning at 1 am. It is truly amazing to see how God works in our lives. I was supposed to read this book. Dr. Neal was called to write this book, and she was obedient to God's call.  God was able to reach out to me by reading this book. (Thank you Mom for insisting I read it, and thank you Colleen for giving it to my mom.) I didn't want to read it. I didn't want to get the box down off of the shelf that contains my grief and open it. Opening that box is quite painful. I knew that by reading the book, I would be facing my grief, again, head on. I have been praying to God, to fill me with His spirit, His love, His peace. I know He is trying to reach me, and that it has been hard for Him to reach me through the pain I am feeling. His message of hope has finally reached me, even though I still hurt.

One passage that Dr. Neal put in her book struck home for me.

"I had experienced death before--of grandparents, of parents, of friends--and I have found that grief is always a lonely, isolated process, as the death of a loved one carries different meaning to each person who is grieving. In those circumstances, however, it is usually possible to look to a spouse or other family member for support. The isolation of grief after the death of a child or a sibling is exponentially magnified by the fact that close family members who might otherwise be able to offer support are equally wrought with grief."

This was able to capture how I have been feeling. My sister and mother have always been my "go to" people to talk out my feelings and pain. After losing Jeremy, I know they are hurting too, and I simply don't feel like I can reach out to them since I don't want to add to their pain with my own. I know this isn't true. I know in my logical brain that they would welcome my calls, my reaching out. My heart holds me back though. I just don't want to burden them.

Dr. Neal goes on to make another observation that captured how I have been feeling.

"Bill (Dr. Neal's husband) and I were surprised to find that a predominant emotion during the first year was fear. Fear that we would never emerge from the emotional fog. Fear that we would never again be able to experience joy. Fear that we would fail our remaining children. Fear that we would forget. I think much of the fear and anxiety we felt was just fear of an unknown future that would not include the son that we loved so dearly. Someone told me, 'When you love with all that you have, you grieve with all that you are,' and I would certainly agree with this observation."

This is certainly something that I have been experiencing. Fear. Anxiety. What is going to happen to us now? My son was called home to God, and now my brother. How in the world am I ever going to heal? Will I ever feel whole again? I am also afraid that the pain will consume me and the pain is all that I will be able to feel. Despair is the word Dr. Neal used.

"[Father Ubald] noted that while sadness reflects love, despair reflects the destruction of the soul that often accompanies grief."

I do feel like I am being destroyed at times. Perhaps I am relying too much on myself, with all of my human limitations and frailties, and need to reach out to God, every moment of every day given to me.

Another passage in the book helped me so much.

"I do not believe that a loss if the magnitude I've experienced in losing Willie, (Dr. Neal's son) is something a person 'gets beyond,' 'works through,' or any of those other well-meaning, but impossible-to-achieve platitudes. Grieving a loss is a matter of learning to incorporate the pain into a new life and a new reality. As Martha Hickman wrote in her book Healing after Loss (HarperCollins, 2009), 'There is no way out, only forward.' "

It was gut wrenching to realize a year after losing Andrew that I would always feel the pain of it. It will always hurt. Losing my brother just months ago has swept me back into the turmoil and despair of grief. Now I must work my way forward through it again, as there is no way out of it. Now I must forge a new life and a new reality that incorporates the pain. Only God can help me to do this, but I must ask Him to. Perhaps I am afraid of that unknown future without my son or my brother in it. Perhaps I am afraid that the pain and despair will consume me and that I will never be able to experience true joy again.

There were 3 Bible verses that Dr. Neal meditated on while she was recovering from her accident on the river.

"Rejoice always."

-1 Thessalonians 5:16 (ESV)

"Pray without ceasing."

-1 Thessalonians 5:17 (ESV)

"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God's in Christ Jesus for you"

-1 Thessalonians 5:18 (ESV)

She goes on to state how each verse had meaning for her and her experience. My own meaning is similar to hers. 

1. I should rejoice that God is in my life, that He loves me more that I can comprehend, that He will never forsake me and will carry me when I need it. 

2. I should turn to God every minute of every day. I should invite God into every aspect of my life so that He can guide me, nurture me, love and heal me. Every breath I take should be a prayer, making my life God's instrument in His world.

3. I should give thanks to God for everything He has given me, especially His love and healing. Am I thankful for the deaths of my son and brother? Of course not. Am I thankful that God is there to uphold and sustain me when I am consumed by pain. Oh yes. The verse doesn't say, "Give thanks about having all circumstances", though the struggles we face can help us grow, and I am thankful for that. The verse says, "Give thanks IN all circumstances." Right now, to me, this means that God wants me to turn to Him and to be thankful for His presence in my life. At another time, perhaps this verse will mean something else to me. Dr. Neal took it to mean to be thankful for all of life's little things. I also think this is true. Remembering how God blesses me with simple pleasures, and little things throughout every day of my life, will help me to find joy in my life again.

This journey is a difficult one right now. But again, I am walking away from reading Dr. Neal's book with a renewed sense of hope, and the knowledge that God is with me, carrying me through this time, even if I can't always feel Him. Thank you Dr. Neal, for writing the book. Thank you Colleen, for giving it to my parents to read. Thank you Mom, for insisting that I read it, even if I didn't want to. Obviously God wanted me to read it as well, and my spirit knew I needed to, so thank you God, for putting this book in my path and nudging me to read it.