here's to day two of Spring Break

Here I am again. It was so difficult to write yesterday, but I'm feeling the loving thoughts of many people today and that helps so much. As I look out today, it is grey and cold. Fitting I suppose for the way I feel. I slept very well last night which helps to make me feel better. I was able to do a major deep cleaning of the bathroom, and having things clean and de-cluttered also helps with feeling better. (The state of my house always reflects whats going on in my head...) On the list for today... laundry and living room. (If I get done what's on my list, then I get to sew, yay!)
Yesterday someone sent me a message on Facebook that resonated with me. She also lost her 5 year old son to a car accident. She talked about the pain as if it was like a hole in the ground. You eventually learn how to navigate around it. I like that analogy. I suppose its like learning to walk again after a crippling accident. You do eventually learn to walk, but you will never walk like you did before.
I decided to add my Robin Poem here as it is healing to read it and to read what I wrote for Andrew's funeral:

We had some Robins build a nest over our front door this summer. The kids were fascinated watching momma robin taking care of her babies. Andrew loved learning about the world around him, just like his big brothers and twin sister. (Let’s be honest, I still love it too!) I wrote this poem about the robins in June and thought I would share it with you all…

Robins

The robins fledged today.
Speckled chests puffed with pride.
The three, too big for their nest
Perched on the edge-
Preening itchy new feathers
Poised and ready to soar off…
Off into the great unknown
Beyond the safety of the nest.
Mama will have no more
Gaping, greedy mouths
To greet her every return,
Chittering, calling, demanding
More, More, MORE.
Will she worry about them,
These juvenile three?
Or is her mother’s work simply finished…

My mother’s work has just begun.
Newborn babes, so simple
Compared to my task at hand.
My juvenile four won’t soar
Into the world with one quick hop and flutter.
Mine will simply venture
Further and further
From the protection of my wings
Over many years.
Out into a world of joy, and yes, pain too.
Will my burden of love and worry
Ever be complete…
Finished like mother robin’s?
I think not.

The Robins fledged today.
I wish them well.


Andrew fledged into God’s waiting arms earlier than I would have liked. Those of us left behind are hurting and asking “Why?” or “How could something like this have happened?” “It makes no sense… its so very unfair…” Of course there are no answers to these questions. There is simply nothing one can say or think to make sense of it. A sweet little boy so full of life is suddenly gone from his family and friends and with God. Asking “why” is what we as God’s children do. Why are we here? Why do horrible things happen in this world? Andrew was very good at asking “why” himself. “Momma, why do I have to go to bed now… Why can’t we go to the pool today… Why are carrots orange?”

I can’t begin to make sense of the question, “Why”. My question is more along the lines of “what happens now? And How do I move forward?” Looking out at all of you, the people this little boy’s life touched, I at least have some answers to these questions. How do I move forward? I do so by accepting the love of God and the love of all of you. Andrew’s life brought me closer to God. His beautiful blue eyes so full of wonder at the world. His mischievous grin while his mind cooked up new adventures to embark upon. His cozy snuggles when he stopped moving long enough to give them. How can you help but see God’s love pouring out from this little one? I know that God was laughing along with us at Andrew’s antics. It hurts so badly right now to have Andrew taken from us, so abruptly. I’m sure that God feels our pain keenly and is weeping with us. I know God doesn’t want His children hurting. So how do I move forward? By taking one step at a time, out of the darkness of hurt and confusion and into the light of love, blessings, and gratitude. Gratitude for my children and the time I got to have with Andrew. Gratitude for my family and friends who have shown us such love and compassion. God’s Angels are ministering to me and surrounding me with peace… I can’t always feel it when the waves of pain wash over me, but God abides and I know I will heal. His arms are wide enough to enfold us all in His great love. Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on us. Amen.

Well, that about sums it up. I have a reason to clean my little heart out today. Just got a call for a daycare interview today. Wish me luck!