I Suppose its Time...

I have been avoiding writing on this subject since it seems that writing about it will eject me from "denial island" and will make it more real. I'm very good at avoiding pain and have found that I am flinging myself into work, and when home, simply eating to push down my emotions. Well, its finally time to write them down and face my pain, which will hopefully help me move through it into a more joyful existence. So here it goes... My youngest son, Andrew, was hit and killed by a car near our home on Thursday, July 8th, 2010. The hole this has left in my heart and in the heart of my family still stings so horribly. I feel like I'm only half the woman I was. I'm a shadow of my former self. I've moved through various classic stages of grief, and I'm struggling to reach some joy in my life again. I thank God every day for my family and my kids...they give me glimpses of hope and joy to help me move through this. For a while, I was doing so well... and now, I'm just not doing well at all. I want to sleep all the time. No energy. Depression has wrapped itself around me like a burial shroud and I'm having a hard time shaking lose. I keep reaching out, praying to God to reach in and sweep the cobwebs of pain and listlessness away. I want to feel His love. I desperately want my pain replaced with joy. This is such a difficult journey to walk. Putting one foot in front of the other is so hard right now... but hiding from the pain instead of moving through it is actually hiding me from feeling joy as well. Avoiding pain only allows it to grow in the dark like an infection that hasn't been treated... it festers and gets worse. Facing the pain and acknowledging it will help it to heal. I just wish it didn't hurt so badly. I guess I should focus on what I'm doing well. I'm finally writing about this. Writing will help me to feel the pain, and look at it objectively, and move through it in a more healthy way. I'm reaching out to friends and family when I hurt, instead of putting on my fake "I'm doing well and I'm happy" face. I'm praying every day, and reaching out to Jesus to carry me. With God's amazing love, grace and help, I can do this. I'm creating things... sewing, scrapbooking, etc. I'm cleaning house, one room at a time. (At least that is what I'm going to do when I'm done writing, lol) Everyone tells me how strong I am and I was starting to get bothered by that. I'm not strong. I cry every day. If I was strong, wouldn't I be all better by now? Will I ever be "all better"? I am never going to be "all better" in that I will never be the same person I was. I am hopeful that I will be able to heal into a new version of myself, and that I will be able to leave this painful shell of my former self behind. I suppose strong isn't the right word, but resilient works. Strong seems to say that bad things that happen won't phase me. Well, losing Andrew knocked me down to the ground and crushed me. I would say that means that it phased me pretty badly. Being resilient to me means that even though I am lying off in the ditch, crushed and bleeding, I am still alive and I will heal and get back up off the ground. Being strong means that I can do it on my own. (Which I can't!) Being resilient means I am surrounded by precious family and friends and I am in Christ's arms here in the ditch, and together we will heal me and get me standing again. Being resilient means that I am striving to reach out, accept help, and move through this. Okay, enough procrastinating cleaning the house. Doing that will certainly help my depression clear up, at least for today. Fair warning, I am going to be writing a lot about this as a form of written therapy for myself, especially this week as school is out for spring break and I can't hide in my job this week. If this is not what you want to read, (it is quite a downer) you've been given fair warning. I won't be offended if you don't want to read it. I would have written this in my journal by hand, but my brain goes faster than I can write, and typing seems to be faster for me. I also felt like writing in a more public forum might possibly help someone else going through this. I have rambled on enough. God's Peace to you. Cyndi