Advent Reflections December 2012

Today I sit here, numb, wrapped in a cocoon of my own making. If I allow myself to think or to feel, I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to stem the flow of my tears. How much can one person endure? Evidently one can endure quite a lot. The sky outside echoes how I feel. Grey, colorless, spent. The Stones' song, "Paint it Black" echoes in my head. No colors anywhere, I want them painted black... I know that it's pointless to ask "why?" There isn't a sane answer in this world, this life. I've come to accept that I am a strong person, and yes I will prevail, but enough already! I sit here thinking about this season of advent, and I am attempting to get into the Christmas spirit--not as the world does with wrapping, tinsel and bows, but the REAL Christmas spirit. The anticipation that something wonderful is coming into the world. My Savior. It humbles me to think about what Jesus suffered for me, for this world of great beauty and yes, pain too. I identify with Mary, watching as her precious son was rejected and ultimately killed. I understand the pain of losing a son. Now that my brother has gone, it brings all of the pain roiling back. Seems like the scars that had finally started to heal from my broken heart are ripped open and bleed again. But this is the season of Advent, and I am waiting with the world for something better. Something that heals. Great Joy that is coming. As I lit that one small candle on my advent wreath, it reminded me that Christ's light is coming, and it will burn brightly on Christmas day. Oh, there is hope in this vale of tears. I'm sure Jesus and Mary weep with me, but are telling me that the best is yet to come..."Have hope, little one, Joy will be yours again. We promise." I will continue to cling to that hope. How can I not endure, with Christ as my light and guide?
Amen