Merry Christmas, 2012

Well, it was difficult finding the Christmas spirit this year... lucky for me, that spirit found me instead. Christmas Eve was completely perfect. I spent the day wrapping up the last bit of presents which is something I enjoy doing. It's very calming and fun to imagine the responses of those opening the gifts. I also got to bake in the kitchen with my little helper, Alex. After getting everything ready for Christmas Day, we headed over to church for the 5 pm service. Alex was singing in the children's choir. It had been snowing all day and it was magical to arrive at church on a snowy evening, seeing the luminarias on the sidewalk lighting the way for Christ's coming. The service helped my heart to allow the spirit of Christmas in... something I'm grateful for. After the service, we went home, sat on the couch and munched cookies, sipped eggnog (cocoa for the kids) and watched a Christmas Carol, starring Patrick Stewart. It was simply a perfect Christmas Eve and I'm very thankful for it. Now that Christmas is over, I find myself struggling to hold on to the magic. The pain and sadness has wound its way back around my heart... I suppose this is normal, but I just want to be better, be happy, be whole again. Will I ever be whole again? I know that I will. I simply have to be patient... something I've struggled with all my life. Writing out my pain. Praying for help, comfort and guidance. Choosing to find joy right in front of me. Picking up the pieces of my broken heart and putting them back together, one bit at a time. These are the things that sustain me and keep me moving toward being whole again. Will I be the same whole person that I was before all of this pain? No. But I will be whole again, in a new way. It certainly doesn't feel that way today, but there is a part of my being that knows I will be whole again, and knows how to help me get there. One breath, heartbeat and step at a time, I will make the journey. Thank you God. Amen.